2011: “Get to the choppah!” as Arnold Would Say

New Year’s Day.  The time-honored cliché would be a piece on resolutions.  And who am I am to dismiss time-honored clichés?  So here goes with my top ten…

Number one resolution is to GET A F*&%ING JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I think I display all the elements of a good attitude in that first resolution.

Second resolution is to razor up the physique so all the 50+ babes present at the pool opening May 15th go gaga.  Maybe a procedure to remove all the patchy back hair will complement that.  Throw in a lime Speedo and a pipe full of Borkum Riff, and James Bond slinks away in mortally wounded self esteem.

Third, don’t cuss.  That first resolution was my mulligan.

Fourth, to recognize that when Bill O’Reilly talks about “left-wing loons”, there are just as many “right-wing loons”.  And there are undoubtedly wingless loons.  The trick is to not be a loon of any persuasion.

Fifth, when I show some marital solidarity and watch “The View” with Mary, not to aim my unloaded Glock at the TV screen and pull the trigger over and over every time Joy and Whoopi open their mouths about what they think they know about the Catholic Church.

Sixth, get on board that there is no Islamic problem in the world, and ignore all those murders every day of  Christians, Jews, and Moslems who don’t quite make the fundamentalist cut.

Seventh, watch more EWTN, less “Dr. Phil’s Dancing Housewives of New Jersey, Survivor Edition”.

Number eight, when someone belligerently honks at me to go two milliseconds after the light turns green, to respond with a smile and a gentle wave…and not go until they honk again and start turning purple.

Ninth, less posting on the message board on the Cleveland Browns web site.  I’m facing it: the team hasn’t done diddly since 1964, and there is no hope of a Super Bowl in my lifetime.  Kabul will be awarded a team and go to the Super Bowl before the Browns.  And if the Browns did win the SB, the American economy would collapse because of the marketing void: it’s “The Browns” – what could an ad agency do with that?

Last but not least, always do the right thing…well, usually do the right thing…do the right thing a lot?  How about, always think of what the right thing is, and then try to do it…at least occasionally.  Yeah, that’s the ticket!

A Happy and Blessed New Year to all!

Explore posts in the same categories: Humor

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